I'm not alone, no I'm just on my own

Been having a couple of 'slit your wrists kinda day'(no, i didn't come up with that phrase) lately...the meds don't seem to be workin right..i have an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach and I just wanna curl up in a ball under my doona and hide from the world.
It seems to me that there is a season for break ups...usually happens in the middle of the year, in a two year block. A couple of friends are goin through break ups right now. What's the point of putting all your feelings into a relationship when you end up getting your heart ripped out and stomped on? That's why I don't do fuckin relationships! I have trust issues i know.
Sigh, 10 more days until Tegan and Sara...dunno if I can last that long..FUCK I hate feeling this way!!! I just want to grab myself by the shoulders and shake myself hard and yell "Snap out of it!! Stop wallowing in your self pity you stupid fuck!"

Mood: Bleh
Music: The Donnas - Dancing with myself

Do you see my problem?: the sequel

The change in medication is making me feel horny 70% of the time!! At first I thought it was because of the weed binge I had in NZ...but that's been out of my system ages ago. I wake up horny and heck I even attended a lecture in that state. Suffice to say that my concerntration was shot and I was on edge for the 2 hours. Gaaaah...I need to find a fuck buddy, and sooon!
Went to Spearmint Rhino on Sunday night, that place is classy as! Had my first lapdance from a tall, blond and very very pretty girl. RWAR! very sensuous and sexy. I spent about $160 on 2 dances.

Mood: Tired
Music: Placebo - Peeping Tom

Do you see my problem?

First things first, passed all my units...phew...load off my mind. Since the doc changed my medication, I've been sleeping better..slept 16 hours yesterday...hmmm...too much I reckon..but I still have frickin weird as dreams.




Went to the state library to see Neil Gaiman on Monday...w000t! He is such a cool and friendly guy. Got him to sign a couple of stuff :) Highlight of me week!



Mood: content
Music: Tegan and Sara

We Were So High

Arrived back from New Zealand last night after a stopover at Christchurch. It was good spending time with Kiwiboy and just catching up.
Day 1: arrived at Wellington at 11.55pm, by the time Customs were through with me, it was 1.30am. Kiwiboy and gf came and pick me up. On the way to paraparaumu, we stopped by the beach and kiwiboy rolled a J. Mmmmmm...the first of many.
Day 2: Woke up at 11am, had breaky with kiwiboy's mum, then started the journey to Auckland. The desert road was freezing and there were pockets of snow everywhere! Had dinner at Taupo (brrrr...freezing!) and continued our way to Auckland. Arrived in Auckland at 11pm and decided to grab a motel room. Smoked another J and had the attack of the munchies...gf was sooo funny when she's stoned.
Day 3: Woke up at 9am and kiwiboy cooked breaky..eggs and bacon....mmmmm.
Dropped gf at school and we went to the city. Picked up gf at 2pm and went to her house to pick up some stuff. Then kiwiboy kinda got lost trying to get to my cousin's place :)
Day 4: Kiwiboy picked me up after dropping gf at school. Spent some time in the city. Had dinner with kiwiboy's aunt, then went back to the city, smoked more J's and went to watch War or the Worlds stoned...hahahahah...mmmmm munchies!
Day 5: Dropped gf off at school while we made our way to Rotorua. Got there at around 7pm. Freezing Frost Monkeys it was cold!!! Had dinner in the city...which was weird cos the was plenty of cars parked, but where's the people?!
Bought a couple of beers and went back to the motel. Did some canning, drank beer, got shit stoned in the spa.Got huge attack of munchies.
Day 6: Did more canning and went to the Luge at sky gondolas...it was fricking excellent. Fast speeds with wind in hair is good! Did more canning and went to the hot springs and mud pools. It's freaky when you see it stoned.
Made our way to Taupo for the main event...BUNGY!!!! Arrived there at 4pm, did more canning...tried persuading kiwiboy to bungy...to no avail. The platform's 47 metres high but I was too stoned to care. The guy strapped my feet, I hopped to the edge, looked down and stepped off. Oh holy fuck went through my mind as I fell, but my mouth wasn't connected to my brain at that moment. Instead, "ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH" came out. W000t!!! what a rush!! I was physically and mentally flying!! Went back to the car and went to Huka Falls and did more canning and looked at the rapids. Had dinner and we were off. 5 to 6 km after we passed Mangaweka, kiwiboy's car suddenly lost power. So there we were, on the side of the road, out in the middle of the wop wops in the dark and cold. So what did we do? did more canning and kiwiboy called his friends to pick us up and we spent the night at Palmerston North.
Day 7: Made our way back to Paraparaumu, smoked Js and bonged.
Day 8: Woke up at 8am, bonged a bit and went to the airport. Checked in, smoked a J and had a beer....mmmmmm it was all goood.

Fun Fact 1: very very cold in Wellington
Fun Fact 2: Smoking Js, bonging and canning for 7 straight days makes a person very horny.

Mood: still stoned
Music: Tegan and Sara

I Don't Need Rest

One year since I started this blog and I reckon it's good to put my thoughts to "paper". Never was one to start a diary or journal, but I guess it's good to rant and unload the day's happenings and worries.
One year since I 'discovered' Tegan and Sara's music and I haven't stopped listening to them at all :) I listen to them at home and on the mp3 player whenever I go out. Freaky!
I just watched Batman Begins...and it went beyond my expectations...suffice to say that the last two sucked ass, but compared to the first 2, Batman Begins is waaay better.
Started a little project spray painting my CPU casing...only time will tell on how it goes.

Mood: Tired
Music: Tegan and Sara

No Where To Go

Tegan and Sara...coming...in August...concert...on my birthday...w00t!! >does a little dance and bounces off the walls<
...and that's the highlight of my weekend. Still in tough negotiations with the Sandman on the sleep issue...damn you Morpheus! I'm so tired.
Goin to NZ in a week's time to see my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend...totally weird issue there.

Mood: Tired
Music: Placebo

Let Go and Move On

Exams are over!! Was so buggered after yesterday's final paper, that I went to sleep at 9.30pm....and woke up an hour later wide awake but still tired....grrrrrr. So I tried sleeping again at 3am on my sister's bed. No frickin use...I was locked in mortal combat with the bed tossing and turning trying to sleep. Last thing I remembered was hearing the damn birds chirping.
There's this new tuna and salmon ad on tv by Safcol and it's hillarious! This girl gets on a bus and takes a seat next to a guy. She asks him "What are you having for dinner?" He looks all surprised and weirded out and replied "Don't know" or something like that. She reached in her bag and took out two foil packets, one tuna and one salmon....she explains yadda yadda yadda and then to the tune of the theme of the 60's batman series she sings "Tuna, tuna, tuna, tuna, saaaaalmon"! Then she made smooching noises while pressing the tuna and salmon packets together. The she looked around and realized that everone was staring at her weird and the guy had an amused smile on his face! hahahahahaha.
Watched Mr and Mrs Smith today...RWAR!!! 2 of my favourite actors in it with enough chemistry to make the screen melt! YUM!

Mood: tired
Music: Tegan and sara

Tell Me Love, Where Do We Go?

Had a dream last night that I was having a conversation with Brian Molko. Don't remember what we were talking about, but we were hanging out at a club or dark bar. Tegan and Sara came along later and joined us. Weird as!
For months and months I've been having strong urges to shave my head. So finally I did it. I shaved my head into a mohawk on satday morning. Feels so good to run my fingers through my scalp. I look really, really young now, everywhere I go I kept being asked for ID.

Mood: tired
Music: Tegan and Sara

It's Not Morning

Had a rough night...slept at 11.30pm just to wake up at 1.30am wide awake. Took a shower and studied abit....tried sleeping again at 6am and the last thing I remember was the clock at 8am. Woke up at 11.30 to go to uni to sit for a test at 1pm...just barely made it. Was fuckin exhausted on my way back. And to make my day even worse was a fuckin bogan in his fuckin white ute shouting rasist remarks at me while I was walkin past him. GO BACK TO CHINA??!! Fuckin xenophobic asshole!! Not every asian is from China! it's like saying to every caucasian you see and yelling GO BACK TO EUROPE! Fuckin ignorant prick!! I should have just dropped my bag and punched his lights out...tho he was built like a footy player and I would have ended up with severe head concussions, I should have punched him. But it didn't register in my sleep deprived brain until after I turned the block. GRRRRRRRRR...makes my blood boil! Bloody moron!
End rant!

Mood: Pissed Off
Music: Lunatic Calm

What Do I Have To Do?

where to begin....I watched Star Wars Episode 3 last week..w0000t! it was excellent! Especially the ending...of all the 6 episodes of starwars, I loved Revenge of the sith and the Empire strikes back the best.
Went to a friend's place to play with her dog Keiko..maaaan, that is one active dog! She was bouncing all over the place.
Still can't sleep...still have weird dreams. I think the sleepless nights are taking a toll on my body, I feel like I'm getting sick....yeaaaaaaa....I feel it coming!
Just handed in 2 assignments and had a presentation to give...all within this week. I have another assignment due on Monday and an exam on Friday...Arghhhhh....go away!!! I just want to sleeeeep!!!

Mood: Tired, fucked up and cranky
Music: The Killers - Jenny was a friend of mine

Just Me

Feeling really bad today...I feel this tightening of the chest. I don't know why..Had a bad night last night... couldn't sleep and was tossing and turning and waking up periodically like a sick fuck.

Mood: bleak
Music: Tegan and Sara

I Know You're Sad Eventhough You Say That You're Not

After weeks of warm weather in autumn, it's finally getting cold! yea, I know I'm weird...But after living nearly 20 years in a country where the humidity and heat just kills you, I crave the cold.
I went bowling last night for the first time in 3 years and now I ache all over...gawd damnit. It was pretty good just to hang out and chill with friends.
I saw a Darth Vader helmet at Myers that makes you sound like good old Darth and I WANT IT!!!!! To my friends IF they are reading this; Hint, hint wink, wink :) My birthday's coming up in 3 months...heh.
Sleep still eludes me and the dreams continue to disturb me.
The list of some of the things I dream about:

• Being shot at
• Shooting at people shooting at me
• Being chased
• Hiding
• elephants
• secondary school
• Dying
• Shane in a skirt
• Mummies chasing after me (YUCK!!!)

Mood: Numb

Music: Tegan and Sara - My Number

Stick your hand inside my chest

I'm such a fuckin slack arse... I nearly missed handing in an assignment today. I totally forgot about what week it was and I thought the assignment due date was next week. I went in for the tute today and the tutor asked for the answers to be sent to him! Good thing my group member had her answers and lent it to me to paraphrase, generate public keys, encrypt and send it. All done within an hour and 20 minutes. Phew! Don't know what the hell is wrong with me.... I'm losing track of time...all my days are bleeding in to one ginormous day. Can't afford to screw up anymore....I already missed handing in a 10% assignment on another unit.

Mood: Meh
Music: Tegan and Sara

I can't take it

It's been a busy month, assignments, tutes and more sleepless nights. The frickin weird dreams are a norm now, still unsettling but a norm. I'd be very surprised if for one night I don't dream at all. sigh...I wish. I tried swaping rooms with my sis...but it didn't work, still couldn't sleep and the dreams kept on coming.
Went to see the Doc and she upped my dosage...feel so drowzy and tired.
During easter I went to watch the umbilical brothers at the comedy festival. It was funny as! I laughed until my sides ached.
I started playing Sims 2 again...getting addicted again aye.


Mood: Drowzy
Music: Tegan and Sara - Take me anywhere

Fall Forever

I think I'm losing my mind...the only time I feel anything now is when I dream. Last night's dream was a mish mash of stuff that don't make sense, like dreaming about the class I was in when I was in Form 3??Fuck man...the dream dragged up feelings for anger, regret, sadness, sorrow. These dreams are becoming too real for words. What is wrong with me?? If dreams are what you want subconciously, fuck then I'm in trouble, I can't figure out what I want!

Mood: unsettled
Music: Tegan and Sara

C'mon kids, eat those pills

Easter break WOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooot!! The break's been good..hanging out with friends playing foosball and pool, but I can't seem to find the mood to start on my assignments. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! All this procastination is goin to bite me in the ass hard very very soon. Too make matters worse, I can't seem to get my sleeping pattern right. I either sleep too much or it takes me a very very long time to fall asleep or I can't sleep at all. AND I still have frickin weird as dreams every single night! Damn Cipramil ain't working right! sigh..at least I don't freak out anymore...numb is good...maybe I should ask the doc about Zoloft....bugger that...all drugs are the same.

Mood: meh
Music: Tegan and Sara - You wouldn't like me

I Want The Ocean Right Now

Went to the Moomba Water Festival on Satday. It was the 50th aniversary and there were heaps of people!! Rides and games everywhere. I wanted to sit the Catapult but it costs AUS$30 for a ride..! frickin expensive. The fireworks display was excellent....with the fireworks being set off to music from the last 50 years.

FireWorks at the Moomba Festival


I got Tegan and Sara's 'So Jealous' album from amazon yesterday...WOOOOoooooot!! The album's still not out in Oz yet and I couldn't wait anymore!! I love the interaction of Tegan and Sara in the 20 minute making of movie....hillarious as!
I love the tracks 'Downtown' and 'We didn't do it' mmmmmmmmmmm! ear candy....!


Tegan and Sara's new album 'So Jealous'




Mood: mmmmmmmmmmmmm
Music: Tegan and Sara - downtown

Stars fade into day

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! It's 4am and I can't sleep!! Gawd damnit.....and I have a lecture at 1pm to make matters worse >.<
Maybe I should just bang my head against the wall...nah...makes too much noise and I'd probably dent my wall. That'll kiss my bond good bye. Bye-bye bond!! bwahahahahahaha....fuck, I needs sleep!!

Mood: Tired and grouchy
Music: Tegan and Sara

Damn Your Mood Swings

Been back in Melbs for a week and uni started today. I really needed the 1 month break back home altho I was hesitant to go back. It was good to see my friends and some friends that I haven't seen for nearly 9 years. Just chillin and laxing out to the max. Eating my granma's good cookin, seeing my parents AND having a car to drive!!
My sleeping pattern is still out of whack AND I'm still having freaky weird as dreams.

Mood: tired
Music: Tegan and Sara - Monday Monday Monday

Out of my mind

Here's the deal, I opened up my gmail account and to my surprise I have 50 gmail invites to give away. If you want one, e-mail me at cran_t2atyahoodotcomdotau. All I want in return is a postcard from the place you're currently at. Easy as! C'mon people!!