I know you're dying to

Attended the Garbage concert at the Palais theathe last night, well, at first I didn't really get excited or feel anything...I know I've been wanting to attend a Garbage concert for years and years...yea, so got in, got 2nd row, middle seats, Opening act came, played and went...lights were turned off, Butch, Steve and Duke came on, and Shirley 'fuckin' Manson come on singing 'Queer' and I was mesmerized. I was up on my feet cheering, yelling, singing, head banging, jumping and moving to the music. I just couldn't take my eyes off her at all, she was coy, bitchy, sultry, and oh so sexy all at the same time, and man oh man the concert was amazing. The band played songs from all of their albums. The best mainstream concert ever.

I found out that the only time I allow myself to feel is when I attend concerts, all my emotions come flooding out in that 1 1/2 hours. Attending concerts is my new therapy...

mmmmmm....RWAR!

Mood: Good

Music: Garbage

Take me by the hand and tell me

What's the point in life when all you do is masticate, defecate, masturbate, procreate and wait for the cold grip of the grim reaper to clutch your shoulder and drag you off in the end? I know that's an overly simplified and pessemistic explaination to life, but fuck it...that's how I view life right now. It's been nearly a year since I became and stoped being a cutter, well, the addiction started again. I just couldn't hold off the urges that started a couple of months ago any longer. On top of that, it seems like my family don't talk to each other, go figure...and problems are mounting.


Mood: Feeling fucked up
Music: Tegan and Sara

Feelings up and leave me

Ghost of the past haunts the living
Can't go on living this way
Emptiness inside needs filling
yet it gnaws and the hunger grows each day
'till you're rotten to the core

Listening to songs that make you slit your wrists
can't seem to drive the ghost of the past away
Been holding on for far too long nothing left to lose
Time to chase the pain away
with pills and booze

The high I felt from the birthday weekend came crashing down on Monday. No gradual descent, oh no...not when I haven't felt this happy in years. It was like stepping off a cliff and plunging down and hitting the ground smashing every mental bone in my head. I felt hopeless and desperate, I really really wanted to cut myself and end it all right there and then. The pills kicked in finally and I managed to get it all under control and the calm numbness washed over me.
My counsellor asked me the other day whether it was still worth it to come see him and spill my guts out. I replied," Yea, otherwise I'd hurt myself or attempted to slit my wrists a long time ago"
I guess the problem with me is I keep things bottled up inside and slip on my mask to the outside world and become the cheerful, happy go lucky person. I tend to detach myself from feelings or feeling anything at all.

Mood: Melancholic
Music: Tegan and Sara