Constant game of falling short

8 months since my last post, and I've graduated and have my PR. I didn't know what my plan was after that. But I really thought I was over it. I started going to the gym, stopped my meds and stopped seeing my shrink. In hindsight I really shouldn't have done that. I removed my support structure before I was ready.
I removed all prospects of feeling anything for anyone and built a wall around myself. I was confident nothing could penetrate my rock solid defenses.
Then she showed up and breached it. I allowed myself to finally feel again.

I guess I should start from the beginning. I started hanging out and spending time as part of a group with this girl at work. She's indirectly sarcastic as hell to customers, has a brilliant mind and has more artistic talent in her little finger than I could ever think to possess. But I like her just as a FRIEND. Nothing else. Until I got stoned with her. All of the sudden I couldn't keep my emotions in check. I started feeling things that have lain dormant. I started hanging out with her a lot. I'd wait for her to finish work when I have my day off or finished my shift and have dinner with her.I look forward to when I get to spend time with her and feel happy whenever I'm around her. I got really scared. She's straight and has a boyfriend back where she's from. In order to have some sort of control, I decided to tell her how I felt, knowing that I expected nothing to progress out of it, but just to let it out and in a way, move on. I told her last week and I was nervous as hell.

Me: I really, really like you, but I know that you're straight and I understand and I won't push it. I will totally understand if this makes you uncomfortable and you do not want to hang out with me anymore.
She: I'm flattered. I like you...as a friend. I like hanging out with you, I have guy friends that like me and I remain friends with them.
Me: But have you had a girl liking you before?
She: Not that I know of.

Then she gave me a hug and I kinda left it at that and went to work. We haven't talked about it since. I saw her at work during the weekend and we both acted normally. I wasn't sure how or what to feel between the time I told her until the time I worked with her. But today when I hung out with her with a group of friends I was initially distant and stand off-ish. But then I noticed she was a little quiet and not her usual self. So I put aside my feelings even though I was hurting inside and be her friend, listened to her problems and cheered her up.

I still like her a lot and it's driving me crazy.
Why do I put myself through this ordeal again? It hurts. Make the pain stop. Please.
I really want to cry.


Mood: Back in the pit
Music: Tegan and Sara - Dark Come Soon

Blow my mind

2 months since my last update, and it's time for more mental unloading. Been working alot lately. I had a friend from Canberra visit a few weeks ago, she had tickets to the taping of Rockwiz. It was pretty good. The next day we had after dinner drinks at a backpackers' pub, then we went to meet my friends at The Peel. It was a fun night out...got really trashed.

I got my results on the 30th of November, and at the moment after I got my results and I passed, I was relieved. But now lately, I've been feeling really empty inside and my insomnia's gotten worse andI don't know why. Is it because I still don't know what I want to do in life? I've lost my way and my compass is broken.

When you were young

Back again for more cathartic vomit. Was watching old 90's music videos of the Spice Girls (yes, I liked the Spice Girls, no, wait, correction..I like Mel C. but anyway, I digress) and The Cardigans' My Favourite Game on youtube. 10 years on, I'm depressed, bi, living in another country, still studying and accomplished nothing. Would I have done anything differently if I knew the things I know now back then? Would I have made the same mistakes? Actually, I've accepted and like being bi.

I'm on my last legs, and I'm tired. I really think that this is my final chance. Anymore failure on my part will push me over the edge.
My shrink tells me that the dreams I've been having of undead/mummies/shadows chasing me are of my subconcious telling that I'm avoiding issues. Shut up subconcious, leave me alone.

Mood:
Music: The Killers

Sex, drugs and the complications

Was hanging out with a gay friend tonight who was a bit depressed...misery looooves company. So anyways, we hung out, had dinner at a japanese restaurant, had waay too much sake then went to this topless bar near flinders street. With a name like "Hosie's Tavern" who knew it was a topless bar? Went in grab drinks from this cute topless bartender , sat down and watched some shows. The second stripper was HOT! RWAR! Had a "couple of drinks" stayed for 4 shows then went for a walk-about trying to find a specific brothel that he insisted was on Market street. I was so drunk by then, heh. We ended up over at Southbank and after much debating on which direction to walk, we found it.
It was an interesting night suffice to say.

Mood: Tired
Music: Placebo-Meds

Four seconds was the longest wait

I went out clubbing with my shifty after the closing shift on satday morning at 2am, he took me to this gay club at collingwood called The Peel. I'm surprised to say, I had a great time dancing and drinking and perving at the hot looking guys and girls. Went back at about 5, slept at 7 and woke up feeling all sore.
After my shift ended at 8pm last night, I went out just chilling and drinking with my collegues and had a venting session on stupid customers and the newbies.
Still don't sleep well and keep having fucked up dreams which are so mish-mashed even I don't understand it. When I wake up, the first thought that crosses my mind was "what the fuck??".
I haven't been attending uni for the last week. I just can't be buggered. I'm seriously considering just jumping ship and getting a graduate diploma. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!


Anyone can tell you there's no more road to ride
Everyone will tell you there's no place to hide
There's no laws or rules to unchain your life
But the ones who didn't make it
The ones who couldn't take it
So glad they have made it out alive

Everyone loves the fun everyone comes by
In the wind I crunch I want to die
They can give me pills
Or let me drink my fill
The heart wants to explode far away
Where nobody knows

Do you believe she said that
Do you believe she said that
I said I hate myself and I want to die

Half of it is innocent
The other half is wise
The whole damn thing makes no sense
I wish I could tell you a lie

Hey come here
Let me whisper in your ear
I hate myself and I want to die

Do you believe she said that
Can you believe she repeated that
I said I hate me myself and I
I said I hate myself and I want to die
--- Cat Power : Hate

Mood: Depressed
Music: Sleater-Kinney - Jumpers

Queer

A couple of weeks ago while I was at a friend's new place, we were having a discussion on band names after we saw an ad for the new Wolfmother album. Then it shifted to what would I call my band if I had a band; it ranged from Stinky Socks, RJ45...and now after I 've given it a little more thought, Coffee Monkeys! How cool is that? HAhahahahaha.
Gawd...why can't I sleeep?!

Mood:Tired
Music: Iron On

Re-arrange Me

Been busy as since I got back from home. I got back on the 14th of Feb night and attended the Tegan and Sara concert on the 15th, I missed their apperance at JB-HiFi since I was still technically flying over the ocean >.< The concert was awesome, even better than the last one since I was front row centre and took heaps of pictures :) but this time they didn't come out to sign stuff :(
Their opening band Iron On was pretty good, go check them out.

I was working a 40 hour week before uni started, and with the really hot weather, it was totally insane! All I can say is I really really hate making frappucinos now.
Mental update: Still fucked up and still popping pills.

Mood: Getting sick
Music: Iron On - I had to read it Twice