8 months since my last post, and I've graduated and have my PR. I didn't know what my plan was after that. But I really thought I was over it. I started going to the gym, stopped my meds and stopped seeing my shrink. In hindsight I really shouldn't have done that. I removed my support structure before I was ready.
I removed all prospects of feeling anything for anyone and built a wall around myself. I was confident nothing could penetrate my rock solid defenses.
Then she showed up and breached it. I allowed myself to finally feel again.
I guess I should start from the beginning. I started hanging out and spending time as part of a group with this girl at work. She's indirectly sarcastic as hell to customers, has a brilliant mind and has more artistic talent in her little finger than I could ever think to possess. But I like her just as a FRIEND. Nothing else. Until I got stoned with her. All of the sudden I couldn't keep my emotions in check. I started feeling things that have lain dormant. I started hanging out with her a lot. I'd wait for her to finish work when I have my day off or finished my shift and have dinner with her.I look forward to when I get to spend time with her and feel happy whenever I'm around her. I got really scared. She's straight and has a boyfriend back where she's from. In order to have some sort of control, I decided to tell her how I felt, knowing that I expected nothing to progress out of it, but just to let it out and in a way, move on. I told her last week and I was nervous as hell.
Me: I really, really like you, but I know that you're straight and I understand and I won't push it. I will totally understand if this makes you uncomfortable and you do not want to hang out with me anymore.
She: I'm flattered. I like you...as a friend. I like hanging out with you, I have guy friends that like me and I remain friends with them.
Me: But have you had a girl liking you before?
She: Not that I know of.
Then she gave me a hug and I kinda left it at that and went to work. We haven't talked about it since. I saw her at work during the weekend and we both acted normally. I wasn't sure how or what to feel between the time I told her until the time I worked with her. But today when I hung out with her with a group of friends I was initially distant and stand off-ish. But then I noticed she was a little quiet and not her usual self. So I put aside my feelings even though I was hurting inside and be her friend, listened to her problems and cheered her up.
I still like her a lot and it's driving me crazy.
Why do I put myself through this ordeal again? It hurts. Make the pain stop. Please.
I really want to cry.
Mood: Back in the pit
Music: Tegan and Sara - Dark Come Soon
I removed all prospects of feeling anything for anyone and built a wall around myself. I was confident nothing could penetrate my rock solid defenses.
Then she showed up and breached it. I allowed myself to finally feel again.
I guess I should start from the beginning. I started hanging out and spending time as part of a group with this girl at work. She's indirectly sarcastic as hell to customers, has a brilliant mind and has more artistic talent in her little finger than I could ever think to possess. But I like her just as a FRIEND. Nothing else. Until I got stoned with her. All of the sudden I couldn't keep my emotions in check. I started feeling things that have lain dormant. I started hanging out with her a lot. I'd wait for her to finish work when I have my day off or finished my shift and have dinner with her.I look forward to when I get to spend time with her and feel happy whenever I'm around her. I got really scared. She's straight and has a boyfriend back where she's from. In order to have some sort of control, I decided to tell her how I felt, knowing that I expected nothing to progress out of it, but just to let it out and in a way, move on. I told her last week and I was nervous as hell.
Me: I really, really like you, but I know that you're straight and I understand and I won't push it. I will totally understand if this makes you uncomfortable and you do not want to hang out with me anymore.
She: I'm flattered. I like you...as a friend. I like hanging out with you, I have guy friends that like me and I remain friends with them.
Me: But have you had a girl liking you before?
She: Not that I know of.
Then she gave me a hug and I kinda left it at that and went to work. We haven't talked about it since. I saw her at work during the weekend and we both acted normally. I wasn't sure how or what to feel between the time I told her until the time I worked with her. But today when I hung out with her with a group of friends I was initially distant and stand off-ish. But then I noticed she was a little quiet and not her usual self. So I put aside my feelings even though I was hurting inside and be her friend, listened to her problems and cheered her up.
I still like her a lot and it's driving me crazy.
Why do I put myself through this ordeal again? It hurts. Make the pain stop. Please.
I really want to cry.
Mood: Back in the pit
Music: Tegan and Sara - Dark Come Soon
1 comment:
Great blog! Thanks for sharing this one. It is very interesting. Keep up blogging.
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