When you were young

Back again for more cathartic vomit. Was watching old 90's music videos of the Spice Girls (yes, I liked the Spice Girls, no, wait, correction..I like Mel C. but anyway, I digress) and The Cardigans' My Favourite Game on youtube. 10 years on, I'm depressed, bi, living in another country, still studying and accomplished nothing. Would I have done anything differently if I knew the things I know now back then? Would I have made the same mistakes? Actually, I've accepted and like being bi.

I'm on my last legs, and I'm tired. I really think that this is my final chance. Anymore failure on my part will push me over the edge.
My shrink tells me that the dreams I've been having of undead/mummies/shadows chasing me are of my subconcious telling that I'm avoiding issues. Shut up subconcious, leave me alone.

Mood:
Music: The Killers

Sex, drugs and the complications

Was hanging out with a gay friend tonight who was a bit depressed...misery looooves company. So anyways, we hung out, had dinner at a japanese restaurant, had waay too much sake then went to this topless bar near flinders street. With a name like "Hosie's Tavern" who knew it was a topless bar? Went in grab drinks from this cute topless bartender , sat down and watched some shows. The second stripper was HOT! RWAR! Had a "couple of drinks" stayed for 4 shows then went for a walk-about trying to find a specific brothel that he insisted was on Market street. I was so drunk by then, heh. We ended up over at Southbank and after much debating on which direction to walk, we found it.
It was an interesting night suffice to say.

Mood: Tired
Music: Placebo-Meds

Four seconds was the longest wait

I went out clubbing with my shifty after the closing shift on satday morning at 2am, he took me to this gay club at collingwood called The Peel. I'm surprised to say, I had a great time dancing and drinking and perving at the hot looking guys and girls. Went back at about 5, slept at 7 and woke up feeling all sore.
After my shift ended at 8pm last night, I went out just chilling and drinking with my collegues and had a venting session on stupid customers and the newbies.
Still don't sleep well and keep having fucked up dreams which are so mish-mashed even I don't understand it. When I wake up, the first thought that crosses my mind was "what the fuck??".
I haven't been attending uni for the last week. I just can't be buggered. I'm seriously considering just jumping ship and getting a graduate diploma. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!


Anyone can tell you there's no more road to ride
Everyone will tell you there's no place to hide
There's no laws or rules to unchain your life
But the ones who didn't make it
The ones who couldn't take it
So glad they have made it out alive

Everyone loves the fun everyone comes by
In the wind I crunch I want to die
They can give me pills
Or let me drink my fill
The heart wants to explode far away
Where nobody knows

Do you believe she said that
Do you believe she said that
I said I hate myself and I want to die

Half of it is innocent
The other half is wise
The whole damn thing makes no sense
I wish I could tell you a lie

Hey come here
Let me whisper in your ear
I hate myself and I want to die

Do you believe she said that
Can you believe she repeated that
I said I hate me myself and I
I said I hate myself and I want to die
--- Cat Power : Hate

Mood: Depressed
Music: Sleater-Kinney - Jumpers

Queer

A couple of weeks ago while I was at a friend's new place, we were having a discussion on band names after we saw an ad for the new Wolfmother album. Then it shifted to what would I call my band if I had a band; it ranged from Stinky Socks, RJ45...and now after I 've given it a little more thought, Coffee Monkeys! How cool is that? HAhahahahaha.
Gawd...why can't I sleeep?!

Mood:Tired
Music: Iron On

Re-arrange Me

Been busy as since I got back from home. I got back on the 14th of Feb night and attended the Tegan and Sara concert on the 15th, I missed their apperance at JB-HiFi since I was still technically flying over the ocean >.< The concert was awesome, even better than the last one since I was front row centre and took heaps of pictures :) but this time they didn't come out to sign stuff :(
Their opening band Iron On was pretty good, go check them out.

I was working a 40 hour week before uni started, and with the really hot weather, it was totally insane! All I can say is I really really hate making frappucinos now.
Mental update: Still fucked up and still popping pills.

Mood: Getting sick
Music: Iron On - I had to read it Twice

I'm Not OK

Went back home on wednesday, and I've had enough, I wanna go back to melbs now. Pleaseeeeeeeeee?! Don't make me stay!! I know, I know...I sound fuckin selfish. But its not like that!. I mean I'm glad to see my nanna, family and friends. But my dad has this way of making you feel unworthy with a word. Either that I'm being a paranoid android and need to take my meds regularly...probably the latar.
Fuck..Fuckity McFuck fuck....ARGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Mood: Melancholy
Music: Tegan and Sara

updates, updates...hmmm, I had a dream a couple of nights ago. I dreamt that I was on a rusty dingy space ship. My back, chest and throat was slashed but bandaged up, but the blood is staining the white gauze. There's this girl on the ship that look erriely like Kiera Knightley. I was lying next to her, bodies touching, altho it hurt like hell because of the slashes, I still wanted to fuck her and she me.

This is what happens when I don't take my meds, product of a deranged mind.

Anyway, I went for the Green Day concert at Telstra Dome On Satday. Awsome concert! Fireworks, flames, pyrotechnics the lot.

Need more time to figure me out

Didn't fill my perscription for a couple of days...so I was without my meds and was feeling very very down. Plus I discovered that I have weirder vivid mish mash dreams than I normally have.
Exam results come out next week...sigh...definately bound to fail a unit...fuck.

To drivers that yell out abuse at pedestrians crossing when the green walking man is still lit, fuck you, what the fuck is your rush? Screw you and I'll see how you like being a pedestrian when, NOT if you lose your license! Wankers!

Mood: Tired
Music: Tegan and Sara

Wearing me down

Finished my exams a week ago...phew! and I think I'm gonna flunk at least one paper...grrrrrrrrr...just couldn't concentrate...it was as if my mind turned seive like and everything I've read just fell through....sigh..why? why?? WHY???!
It's gonna be a month since I started working Part time...and I guess it's good cos I get out of the house and meet people and I get some spending money.


Mood: Stoic
Music: Tegan and Sara

Tired for Days and Days

Hmmmm...updates, well, I have 2 assignments due on Friday and I haven't really done anything except research, exams are barely 2 weeks away, I have a test next week as well as training for a part time job I just applied for. Great time management, just fuckin great timing. To top that off, I'm feeling tired all of the time. I'm not complaining about the job, heck I NEED a job, but the timing is just fuckin bad.
Further updates IF I survive the coming weeks.

Mood: Exhausted
Music: Tegan and Sara

I know you're dying to

Attended the Garbage concert at the Palais theathe last night, well, at first I didn't really get excited or feel anything...I know I've been wanting to attend a Garbage concert for years and years...yea, so got in, got 2nd row, middle seats, Opening act came, played and went...lights were turned off, Butch, Steve and Duke came on, and Shirley 'fuckin' Manson come on singing 'Queer' and I was mesmerized. I was up on my feet cheering, yelling, singing, head banging, jumping and moving to the music. I just couldn't take my eyes off her at all, she was coy, bitchy, sultry, and oh so sexy all at the same time, and man oh man the concert was amazing. The band played songs from all of their albums. The best mainstream concert ever.

I found out that the only time I allow myself to feel is when I attend concerts, all my emotions come flooding out in that 1 1/2 hours. Attending concerts is my new therapy...

mmmmmm....RWAR!

Mood: Good

Music: Garbage

Take me by the hand and tell me

What's the point in life when all you do is masticate, defecate, masturbate, procreate and wait for the cold grip of the grim reaper to clutch your shoulder and drag you off in the end? I know that's an overly simplified and pessemistic explaination to life, but fuck it...that's how I view life right now. It's been nearly a year since I became and stoped being a cutter, well, the addiction started again. I just couldn't hold off the urges that started a couple of months ago any longer. On top of that, it seems like my family don't talk to each other, go figure...and problems are mounting.


Mood: Feeling fucked up
Music: Tegan and Sara

Feelings up and leave me

Ghost of the past haunts the living
Can't go on living this way
Emptiness inside needs filling
yet it gnaws and the hunger grows each day
'till you're rotten to the core

Listening to songs that make you slit your wrists
can't seem to drive the ghost of the past away
Been holding on for far too long nothing left to lose
Time to chase the pain away
with pills and booze

The high I felt from the birthday weekend came crashing down on Monday. No gradual descent, oh no...not when I haven't felt this happy in years. It was like stepping off a cliff and plunging down and hitting the ground smashing every mental bone in my head. I felt hopeless and desperate, I really really wanted to cut myself and end it all right there and then. The pills kicked in finally and I managed to get it all under control and the calm numbness washed over me.
My counsellor asked me the other day whether it was still worth it to come see him and spill my guts out. I replied," Yea, otherwise I'd hurt myself or attempted to slit my wrists a long time ago"
I guess the problem with me is I keep things bottled up inside and slip on my mask to the outside world and become the cheerful, happy go lucky person. I tend to detach myself from feelings or feeling anything at all.

Mood: Melancholic
Music: Tegan and Sara

Speak Slow

It's my birthday!! I can honestly say that this has been my best birthday ever and I'm happy...got that? HAPPY! It's such a weird feeling I haven't felt this way in a very very long time. My friend gave me the First season of the L word and to find it I had to solve her riddles...drove me absolutely nuts! My sis gave me a shirt with french cuffs and cuff links! how cool is that?
Then I attended the Tegan and Sara concert at The HiFi Bar..fucking brillant! The songs they played was excellent, the on stage banter they had was excellent....what can I say? IT was EXCELLENT!!! And the best part was Rob the drummer began throwing drumsticks into the crowd and my friend helped me get one!!! And it got signed by Rob and Tegan and Sara!!! W000t!! I got heaps of stuff for Tegan and Sara to sign and pictures..heaps of pictures!!! Meeting them in real life was so cool, they're so down to earth and friendly.

mmmm....Sara!

Mood: HAPPY!!!

Music: Tegan and Sara

I'm not alone, no I'm just on my own

Been having a couple of 'slit your wrists kinda day'(no, i didn't come up with that phrase) lately...the meds don't seem to be workin right..i have an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach and I just wanna curl up in a ball under my doona and hide from the world.
It seems to me that there is a season for break ups...usually happens in the middle of the year, in a two year block. A couple of friends are goin through break ups right now. What's the point of putting all your feelings into a relationship when you end up getting your heart ripped out and stomped on? That's why I don't do fuckin relationships! I have trust issues i know.
Sigh, 10 more days until Tegan and Sara...dunno if I can last that long..FUCK I hate feeling this way!!! I just want to grab myself by the shoulders and shake myself hard and yell "Snap out of it!! Stop wallowing in your self pity you stupid fuck!"

Mood: Bleh
Music: The Donnas - Dancing with myself

Do you see my problem?: the sequel

The change in medication is making me feel horny 70% of the time!! At first I thought it was because of the weed binge I had in NZ...but that's been out of my system ages ago. I wake up horny and heck I even attended a lecture in that state. Suffice to say that my concerntration was shot and I was on edge for the 2 hours. Gaaaah...I need to find a fuck buddy, and sooon!
Went to Spearmint Rhino on Sunday night, that place is classy as! Had my first lapdance from a tall, blond and very very pretty girl. RWAR! very sensuous and sexy. I spent about $160 on 2 dances.

Mood: Tired
Music: Placebo - Peeping Tom

Do you see my problem?

First things first, passed all my units...phew...load off my mind. Since the doc changed my medication, I've been sleeping better..slept 16 hours yesterday...hmmm...too much I reckon..but I still have frickin weird as dreams.




Went to the state library to see Neil Gaiman on Monday...w000t! He is such a cool and friendly guy. Got him to sign a couple of stuff :) Highlight of me week!



Mood: content
Music: Tegan and Sara

We Were So High

Arrived back from New Zealand last night after a stopover at Christchurch. It was good spending time with Kiwiboy and just catching up.
Day 1: arrived at Wellington at 11.55pm, by the time Customs were through with me, it was 1.30am. Kiwiboy and gf came and pick me up. On the way to paraparaumu, we stopped by the beach and kiwiboy rolled a J. Mmmmmm...the first of many.
Day 2: Woke up at 11am, had breaky with kiwiboy's mum, then started the journey to Auckland. The desert road was freezing and there were pockets of snow everywhere! Had dinner at Taupo (brrrr...freezing!) and continued our way to Auckland. Arrived in Auckland at 11pm and decided to grab a motel room. Smoked another J and had the attack of the munchies...gf was sooo funny when she's stoned.
Day 3: Woke up at 9am and kiwiboy cooked breaky..eggs and bacon....mmmmm.
Dropped gf at school and we went to the city. Picked up gf at 2pm and went to her house to pick up some stuff. Then kiwiboy kinda got lost trying to get to my cousin's place :)
Day 4: Kiwiboy picked me up after dropping gf at school. Spent some time in the city. Had dinner with kiwiboy's aunt, then went back to the city, smoked more J's and went to watch War or the Worlds stoned...hahahahah...mmmmm munchies!
Day 5: Dropped gf off at school while we made our way to Rotorua. Got there at around 7pm. Freezing Frost Monkeys it was cold!!! Had dinner in the city...which was weird cos the was plenty of cars parked, but where's the people?!
Bought a couple of beers and went back to the motel. Did some canning, drank beer, got shit stoned in the spa.Got huge attack of munchies.
Day 6: Did more canning and went to the Luge at sky gondolas...it was fricking excellent. Fast speeds with wind in hair is good! Did more canning and went to the hot springs and mud pools. It's freaky when you see it stoned.
Made our way to Taupo for the main event...BUNGY!!!! Arrived there at 4pm, did more canning...tried persuading kiwiboy to bungy...to no avail. The platform's 47 metres high but I was too stoned to care. The guy strapped my feet, I hopped to the edge, looked down and stepped off. Oh holy fuck went through my mind as I fell, but my mouth wasn't connected to my brain at that moment. Instead, "ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH" came out. W000t!!! what a rush!! I was physically and mentally flying!! Went back to the car and went to Huka Falls and did more canning and looked at the rapids. Had dinner and we were off. 5 to 6 km after we passed Mangaweka, kiwiboy's car suddenly lost power. So there we were, on the side of the road, out in the middle of the wop wops in the dark and cold. So what did we do? did more canning and kiwiboy called his friends to pick us up and we spent the night at Palmerston North.
Day 7: Made our way back to Paraparaumu, smoked Js and bonged.
Day 8: Woke up at 8am, bonged a bit and went to the airport. Checked in, smoked a J and had a beer....mmmmmm it was all goood.

Fun Fact 1: very very cold in Wellington
Fun Fact 2: Smoking Js, bonging and canning for 7 straight days makes a person very horny.

Mood: still stoned
Music: Tegan and Sara

I Don't Need Rest

One year since I started this blog and I reckon it's good to put my thoughts to "paper". Never was one to start a diary or journal, but I guess it's good to rant and unload the day's happenings and worries.
One year since I 'discovered' Tegan and Sara's music and I haven't stopped listening to them at all :) I listen to them at home and on the mp3 player whenever I go out. Freaky!
I just watched Batman Begins...and it went beyond my expectations...suffice to say that the last two sucked ass, but compared to the first 2, Batman Begins is waaay better.
Started a little project spray painting my CPU casing...only time will tell on how it goes.

Mood: Tired
Music: Tegan and Sara

No Where To Go

Tegan and Sara...coming...in August...concert...on my birthday...w00t!! >does a little dance and bounces off the walls<
...and that's the highlight of my weekend. Still in tough negotiations with the Sandman on the sleep issue...damn you Morpheus! I'm so tired.
Goin to NZ in a week's time to see my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend...totally weird issue there.

Mood: Tired
Music: Placebo