I don't want to know

Where to start? It's been an interesting but weird 9 months. My sister got married and I had to wear a dress.

There's this hot regular customer that comes in, orders her customised drink all bitchy like and then leaves. So I made it a point to remember her name and her drink (Caramel Frappuccino Blended Coffee, double blended, no whip cream and extra caramel drizzle). I usually just say "hi..the usual?"

So one night she comes in as per usual orders her drink, girl friend pays and they sat directly opposite the hand off plane while I was making her drink. I did not think anything of it at that time.**This will start to make sense later.

Days/Weeks passed, while I was training a new partner on register, she orders her drink, I make small talk, then she out of the blue asks for my name. I stumbled verbally for a second and told her my name. From then on when she comes in I'd start to flirt with her. No harm there.

During summer, I remember it was a hot day. I was walking back from work, with head phones on. I had to stop at a red light when suddenly I felt a tug on my sleeve. I turned around to find her standing there. She flirted with me and vice versa. I didn't take it seriously as she is the kinda of girl that KNOWS she's hot.

Anyways, one day while I was having dinner with a group of friends, she rocks up with a mutual friend and sat directly opposite me. Then she goes to tell me that she likes me. I was like "really? really??" We made small talk and then we parted ways.**See I told you it'll make sense.

Next thing I knew she added me on FaceBook and she asked me to meet her. I met up with her for coffee and got to know her. While we were having a conversation, she kept saying that she can't look me in the eyes because she likes me. I walked her home to her apartment. She kept asking me to go up to her apartment to see her cat. We started making out in a bus stop in front of her building. I finally stood up and told her I had to leave as I had work the next day.

I spent the next 5 days txting and spending time with her at her place. She was really flirty and trying real hard to seduce me. She's like an addiction. The more I resist, the harder it gets. So I gave in and I finger blasted her.

Then after that, she kinda blew me off. She had excuses for me not to come see her. I finally confronted her and she told me she got over the crush she had for me. I was like WTF?

Fine, I let it go. Then she kept txting me to hang out with her. I was thinking "fine, let's give this friend thing a go" Big mistake. The more I spend time with her, the more I realised that I like her. I confessed my feelings for her but it wasn't mutual.

The thing is every time she comes to see me she gets all flirty with me and I get really confused. She'd change her clothes in the same room I'm in, She'd flirt with me on Facebook.

She's got a boyfriend and she'd flirt with me. BIG HEADACHE.

I haven't seen her in nearly two months and when I saw her today, I told her that I've gotten over her. What would you do if the person you had feelings for, after you've told her that you're over her, steers the conversation to her body and asks you to cup her breasts to feel if they've gotten any bigger and to caress her inner thighs? Of course I copped a feel. Hells yea.

Back to the point, I really think I'm over her. I just feel a sense of loss.

Mood: Tired

Music: Tegan and Sara - On Directing

Constant game of falling short

8 months since my last post, and I've graduated and have my PR. I didn't know what my plan was after that. But I really thought I was over it. I started going to the gym, stopped my meds and stopped seeing my shrink. In hindsight I really shouldn't have done that. I removed my support structure before I was ready.
I removed all prospects of feeling anything for anyone and built a wall around myself. I was confident nothing could penetrate my rock solid defenses.
Then she showed up and breached it. I allowed myself to finally feel again.

I guess I should start from the beginning. I started hanging out and spending time as part of a group with this girl at work. She's indirectly sarcastic as hell to customers, has a brilliant mind and has more artistic talent in her little finger than I could ever think to possess. But I like her just as a FRIEND. Nothing else. Until I got stoned with her. All of the sudden I couldn't keep my emotions in check. I started feeling things that have lain dormant. I started hanging out with her a lot. I'd wait for her to finish work when I have my day off or finished my shift and have dinner with her.I look forward to when I get to spend time with her and feel happy whenever I'm around her. I got really scared. She's straight and has a boyfriend back where she's from. In order to have some sort of control, I decided to tell her how I felt, knowing that I expected nothing to progress out of it, but just to let it out and in a way, move on. I told her last week and I was nervous as hell.

Me: I really, really like you, but I know that you're straight and I understand and I won't push it. I will totally understand if this makes you uncomfortable and you do not want to hang out with me anymore.
She: I'm flattered. I like you...as a friend. I like hanging out with you, I have guy friends that like me and I remain friends with them.
Me: But have you had a girl liking you before?
She: Not that I know of.

Then she gave me a hug and I kinda left it at that and went to work. We haven't talked about it since. I saw her at work during the weekend and we both acted normally. I wasn't sure how or what to feel between the time I told her until the time I worked with her. But today when I hung out with her with a group of friends I was initially distant and stand off-ish. But then I noticed she was a little quiet and not her usual self. So I put aside my feelings even though I was hurting inside and be her friend, listened to her problems and cheered her up.

I still like her a lot and it's driving me crazy.
Why do I put myself through this ordeal again? It hurts. Make the pain stop. Please.
I really want to cry.


Mood: Back in the pit
Music: Tegan and Sara - Dark Come Soon

Blow my mind

2 months since my last update, and it's time for more mental unloading. Been working alot lately. I had a friend from Canberra visit a few weeks ago, she had tickets to the taping of Rockwiz. It was pretty good. The next day we had after dinner drinks at a backpackers' pub, then we went to meet my friends at The Peel. It was a fun night out...got really trashed.

I got my results on the 30th of November, and at the moment after I got my results and I passed, I was relieved. But now lately, I've been feeling really empty inside and my insomnia's gotten worse andI don't know why. Is it because I still don't know what I want to do in life? I've lost my way and my compass is broken.

When you were young

Back again for more cathartic vomit. Was watching old 90's music videos of the Spice Girls (yes, I liked the Spice Girls, no, wait, correction..I like Mel C. but anyway, I digress) and The Cardigans' My Favourite Game on youtube. 10 years on, I'm depressed, bi, living in another country, still studying and accomplished nothing. Would I have done anything differently if I knew the things I know now back then? Would I have made the same mistakes? Actually, I've accepted and like being bi.

I'm on my last legs, and I'm tired. I really think that this is my final chance. Anymore failure on my part will push me over the edge.
My shrink tells me that the dreams I've been having of undead/mummies/shadows chasing me are of my subconcious telling that I'm avoiding issues. Shut up subconcious, leave me alone.

Mood:
Music: The Killers

Sex, drugs and the complications

Was hanging out with a gay friend tonight who was a bit depressed...misery looooves company. So anyways, we hung out, had dinner at a japanese restaurant, had waay too much sake then went to this topless bar near flinders street. With a name like "Hosie's Tavern" who knew it was a topless bar? Went in grab drinks from this cute topless bartender , sat down and watched some shows. The second stripper was HOT! RWAR! Had a "couple of drinks" stayed for 4 shows then went for a walk-about trying to find a specific brothel that he insisted was on Market street. I was so drunk by then, heh. We ended up over at Southbank and after much debating on which direction to walk, we found it.
It was an interesting night suffice to say.

Mood: Tired
Music: Placebo-Meds

Four seconds was the longest wait

I went out clubbing with my shifty after the closing shift on satday morning at 2am, he took me to this gay club at collingwood called The Peel. I'm surprised to say, I had a great time dancing and drinking and perving at the hot looking guys and girls. Went back at about 5, slept at 7 and woke up feeling all sore.
After my shift ended at 8pm last night, I went out just chilling and drinking with my collegues and had a venting session on stupid customers and the newbies.
Still don't sleep well and keep having fucked up dreams which are so mish-mashed even I don't understand it. When I wake up, the first thought that crosses my mind was "what the fuck??".
I haven't been attending uni for the last week. I just can't be buggered. I'm seriously considering just jumping ship and getting a graduate diploma. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!


Anyone can tell you there's no more road to ride
Everyone will tell you there's no place to hide
There's no laws or rules to unchain your life
But the ones who didn't make it
The ones who couldn't take it
So glad they have made it out alive

Everyone loves the fun everyone comes by
In the wind I crunch I want to die
They can give me pills
Or let me drink my fill
The heart wants to explode far away
Where nobody knows

Do you believe she said that
Do you believe she said that
I said I hate myself and I want to die

Half of it is innocent
The other half is wise
The whole damn thing makes no sense
I wish I could tell you a lie

Hey come here
Let me whisper in your ear
I hate myself and I want to die

Do you believe she said that
Can you believe she repeated that
I said I hate me myself and I
I said I hate myself and I want to die
--- Cat Power : Hate

Mood: Depressed
Music: Sleater-Kinney - Jumpers

Queer

A couple of weeks ago while I was at a friend's new place, we were having a discussion on band names after we saw an ad for the new Wolfmother album. Then it shifted to what would I call my band if I had a band; it ranged from Stinky Socks, RJ45...and now after I 've given it a little more thought, Coffee Monkeys! How cool is that? HAhahahahaha.
Gawd...why can't I sleeep?!

Mood:Tired
Music: Iron On

Re-arrange Me

Been busy as since I got back from home. I got back on the 14th of Feb night and attended the Tegan and Sara concert on the 15th, I missed their apperance at JB-HiFi since I was still technically flying over the ocean >.< The concert was awesome, even better than the last one since I was front row centre and took heaps of pictures :) but this time they didn't come out to sign stuff :(
Their opening band Iron On was pretty good, go check them out.

I was working a 40 hour week before uni started, and with the really hot weather, it was totally insane! All I can say is I really really hate making frappucinos now.
Mental update: Still fucked up and still popping pills.

Mood: Getting sick
Music: Iron On - I had to read it Twice

I'm Not OK

Went back home on wednesday, and I've had enough, I wanna go back to melbs now. Pleaseeeeeeeeee?! Don't make me stay!! I know, I know...I sound fuckin selfish. But its not like that!. I mean I'm glad to see my nanna, family and friends. But my dad has this way of making you feel unworthy with a word. Either that I'm being a paranoid android and need to take my meds regularly...probably the latar.
Fuck..Fuckity McFuck fuck....ARGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Mood: Melancholy
Music: Tegan and Sara

updates, updates...hmmm, I had a dream a couple of nights ago. I dreamt that I was on a rusty dingy space ship. My back, chest and throat was slashed but bandaged up, but the blood is staining the white gauze. There's this girl on the ship that look erriely like Kiera Knightley. I was lying next to her, bodies touching, altho it hurt like hell because of the slashes, I still wanted to fuck her and she me.

This is what happens when I don't take my meds, product of a deranged mind.

Anyway, I went for the Green Day concert at Telstra Dome On Satday. Awsome concert! Fireworks, flames, pyrotechnics the lot.

Need more time to figure me out

Didn't fill my perscription for a couple of days...so I was without my meds and was feeling very very down. Plus I discovered that I have weirder vivid mish mash dreams than I normally have.
Exam results come out next week...sigh...definately bound to fail a unit...fuck.

To drivers that yell out abuse at pedestrians crossing when the green walking man is still lit, fuck you, what the fuck is your rush? Screw you and I'll see how you like being a pedestrian when, NOT if you lose your license! Wankers!

Mood: Tired
Music: Tegan and Sara

Wearing me down

Finished my exams a week ago...phew! and I think I'm gonna flunk at least one paper...grrrrrrrrr...just couldn't concentrate...it was as if my mind turned seive like and everything I've read just fell through....sigh..why? why?? WHY???!
It's gonna be a month since I started working Part time...and I guess it's good cos I get out of the house and meet people and I get some spending money.


Mood: Stoic
Music: Tegan and Sara

Tired for Days and Days

Hmmmm...updates, well, I have 2 assignments due on Friday and I haven't really done anything except research, exams are barely 2 weeks away, I have a test next week as well as training for a part time job I just applied for. Great time management, just fuckin great timing. To top that off, I'm feeling tired all of the time. I'm not complaining about the job, heck I NEED a job, but the timing is just fuckin bad.
Further updates IF I survive the coming weeks.

Mood: Exhausted
Music: Tegan and Sara

I know you're dying to

Attended the Garbage concert at the Palais theathe last night, well, at first I didn't really get excited or feel anything...I know I've been wanting to attend a Garbage concert for years and years...yea, so got in, got 2nd row, middle seats, Opening act came, played and went...lights were turned off, Butch, Steve and Duke came on, and Shirley 'fuckin' Manson come on singing 'Queer' and I was mesmerized. I was up on my feet cheering, yelling, singing, head banging, jumping and moving to the music. I just couldn't take my eyes off her at all, she was coy, bitchy, sultry, and oh so sexy all at the same time, and man oh man the concert was amazing. The band played songs from all of their albums. The best mainstream concert ever.

I found out that the only time I allow myself to feel is when I attend concerts, all my emotions come flooding out in that 1 1/2 hours. Attending concerts is my new therapy...

mmmmmm....RWAR!

Mood: Good

Music: Garbage

Take me by the hand and tell me

What's the point in life when all you do is masticate, defecate, masturbate, procreate and wait for the cold grip of the grim reaper to clutch your shoulder and drag you off in the end? I know that's an overly simplified and pessemistic explaination to life, but fuck it...that's how I view life right now. It's been nearly a year since I became and stoped being a cutter, well, the addiction started again. I just couldn't hold off the urges that started a couple of months ago any longer. On top of that, it seems like my family don't talk to each other, go figure...and problems are mounting.


Mood: Feeling fucked up
Music: Tegan and Sara

Feelings up and leave me

Ghost of the past haunts the living
Can't go on living this way
Emptiness inside needs filling
yet it gnaws and the hunger grows each day
'till you're rotten to the core

Listening to songs that make you slit your wrists
can't seem to drive the ghost of the past away
Been holding on for far too long nothing left to lose
Time to chase the pain away
with pills and booze

The high I felt from the birthday weekend came crashing down on Monday. No gradual descent, oh no...not when I haven't felt this happy in years. It was like stepping off a cliff and plunging down and hitting the ground smashing every mental bone in my head. I felt hopeless and desperate, I really really wanted to cut myself and end it all right there and then. The pills kicked in finally and I managed to get it all under control and the calm numbness washed over me.
My counsellor asked me the other day whether it was still worth it to come see him and spill my guts out. I replied," Yea, otherwise I'd hurt myself or attempted to slit my wrists a long time ago"
I guess the problem with me is I keep things bottled up inside and slip on my mask to the outside world and become the cheerful, happy go lucky person. I tend to detach myself from feelings or feeling anything at all.

Mood: Melancholic
Music: Tegan and Sara

Speak Slow

It's my birthday!! I can honestly say that this has been my best birthday ever and I'm happy...got that? HAPPY! It's such a weird feeling I haven't felt this way in a very very long time. My friend gave me the First season of the L word and to find it I had to solve her riddles...drove me absolutely nuts! My sis gave me a shirt with french cuffs and cuff links! how cool is that?
Then I attended the Tegan and Sara concert at The HiFi Bar..fucking brillant! The songs they played was excellent, the on stage banter they had was excellent....what can I say? IT was EXCELLENT!!! And the best part was Rob the drummer began throwing drumsticks into the crowd and my friend helped me get one!!! And it got signed by Rob and Tegan and Sara!!! W000t!! I got heaps of stuff for Tegan and Sara to sign and pictures..heaps of pictures!!! Meeting them in real life was so cool, they're so down to earth and friendly.

mmmm....Sara!

Mood: HAPPY!!!

Music: Tegan and Sara

I'm not alone, no I'm just on my own

Been having a couple of 'slit your wrists kinda day'(no, i didn't come up with that phrase) lately...the meds don't seem to be workin right..i have an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach and I just wanna curl up in a ball under my doona and hide from the world.
It seems to me that there is a season for break ups...usually happens in the middle of the year, in a two year block. A couple of friends are goin through break ups right now. What's the point of putting all your feelings into a relationship when you end up getting your heart ripped out and stomped on? That's why I don't do fuckin relationships! I have trust issues i know.
Sigh, 10 more days until Tegan and Sara...dunno if I can last that long..FUCK I hate feeling this way!!! I just want to grab myself by the shoulders and shake myself hard and yell "Snap out of it!! Stop wallowing in your self pity you stupid fuck!"

Mood: Bleh
Music: The Donnas - Dancing with myself

Do you see my problem?: the sequel

The change in medication is making me feel horny 70% of the time!! At first I thought it was because of the weed binge I had in NZ...but that's been out of my system ages ago. I wake up horny and heck I even attended a lecture in that state. Suffice to say that my concerntration was shot and I was on edge for the 2 hours. Gaaaah...I need to find a fuck buddy, and sooon!
Went to Spearmint Rhino on Sunday night, that place is classy as! Had my first lapdance from a tall, blond and very very pretty girl. RWAR! very sensuous and sexy. I spent about $160 on 2 dances.

Mood: Tired
Music: Placebo - Peeping Tom

Do you see my problem?

First things first, passed all my units...phew...load off my mind. Since the doc changed my medication, I've been sleeping better..slept 16 hours yesterday...hmmm...too much I reckon..but I still have frickin weird as dreams.




Went to the state library to see Neil Gaiman on Monday...w000t! He is such a cool and friendly guy. Got him to sign a couple of stuff :) Highlight of me week!



Mood: content
Music: Tegan and Sara